[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
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think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I feel attacked.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*