Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
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It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May