Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
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Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no