Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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What if the weather talks about us?
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
When you can’t find your friend Neil
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]