20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
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If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Natty or not?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…