If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn