I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
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Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.