So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
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My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.