It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
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The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
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