Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
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me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence