*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
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Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.