You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped