peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
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what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Very problematic
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”