House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
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Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN