I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
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Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
HELP 😭
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Yep.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.