Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here