Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
hey, alexa
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*