The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
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[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
forgive me baja for i have blast
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”