We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
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I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’