Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
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got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.