Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
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I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.