Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.