My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.