Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
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In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.