Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
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GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My five year plan is a meteorite
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter