Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
You Might Also Like
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
❤️❤️❤️
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
dictator is short for richard potato
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-