[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times