[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.