[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
a badder mouse
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
How dude HOW?!
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”