i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
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Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I put the mess in domestic.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
How to woo a woman
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.