If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
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*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.