Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
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I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.