If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
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These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake