Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
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It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.