[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
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Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!