Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
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He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
sigh
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool