This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
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My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?