Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
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Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys