Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
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Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.