Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?