As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
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Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Trains are just sideway elevators.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
ugh not again
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”