If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
another case of gang violins
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.