hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
You Might Also Like
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die