I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
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Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
San Francisco has too many rules
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.