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It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Where is your GOD now????
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
This dude got his own movie?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.