[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
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Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No