I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*