I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Life is a suicide mission.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
What number SPF blocks people?
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
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I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!