13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
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It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
me hitting on a model
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.