a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
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I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.